outside my window, and it made me think of you. I thought about your hair, and your eyes. How your hands were so gentle. It made me cry when I tried to think of your voice, but couldn’t remember it.

I’ve held on for so long.

There are moments when it still takes my breath away, how responsible I feel. I don’t know how, but my heart is finally in a healthy place again. This place is peaceful, and righteous. The grass is always green, and the sky is always blue. I gave up on searching for it the day that you left me.

A place where I am happy. A place that is overflowing with grace, mercy, and everything that is good.

A place where it’s okay that I’ve forgotten the sound of your sweet, sweet voice. 

who appreciates the sunshine.

Did you ever notice the sparks that bounce when you throw a cigarette on the ground? I want somebody who appreciates that. Someone who understands how mesmerizing fire can be, and how pretty smoke is. Someone that loves puddles. How the color of grass is the perfect shade of green. Why doesn’t anybody appreciate that? I want someone that takes walks, climbs mountains, and sings as loud as they can.  

Someone who isn’t afraid of getting their feet dirty. 

A man who truly sees imperfection as beauty. A man who understands the concept of grace. A man who cherishes love. I want that feeling of knowing that someone can’t live without me. Wherever this person is,

I want them. 

I know you want me. Most days, I want you, too. But I can’t be yours and His.

You lead me towards destruction, and I suppose there is some part of me that likes it. You’ve shown me fun times, but I know you had every intention of bringing me to this place I am at now. Maybe a piece of my heart does belong to you, but I know what we have is not real. What we have is not everlasting. 

Your influence is intoxicating, and I’m happy when I’m with you.

But He gives me butterflies in my tummy and holds open every door I walk through. I know in my heart, mind, and soul, I know with everything that is true and real, He is the one for me. 

He has completely swept me off my feet.

I will follow the one who has saved me.

you have vanished in the sky.

The earth has carried you across its fields. The wind has blown you away with the flowers that we gathered. The leaves spun you around, throughout every curve in every road. You have seen every mountain and walked every path. The currents are sweeping you off the rocks you once laid on. The trees that we climbed are only growing taller.

The world has moved on. And you rode away with the clouds that passed by. But you forgot about me on your way out of this life.

If the dead could regret, and second chances were granted,

would I be with you right now?

would you stop him for me?

Give him a kiss, tell him it’s from the girl that never called. He won’t appreciate your conversation, he won’t look you in the eye. He’ll walk away, without turning around. But before you lose sight,

tell him I said happy anniversary of being some place much better than any of us have seen. It’s been the longest year of my life. Tell him I haven’t been the same since he left. Make sure he knows that I don’t blame him for my broken heart. He could not have known that it would effect me like this. I don’t even miss him tonight.

Tell him I said I am sorry for not being the friend I thought I was. I’m sorry for letting him down.

I’m sorry for just watching him fall. 

You can’t kiss my cheeks or hold my chin up tonight. But how wonderful this time must be for you right now. I’ll think of you when I look up at the stars. I will remember how you danced in the kitchen, and it will make me happy.

I know you felt nothing but God’s hands carrying you home.

And when it is my time, you will call me by name again and look into my eyes remembering all the moments we shared together.

Until then,

I will be missing you.

My sweet, sweet Marie. 

of me to want more, and more of you every day?

I was so satisfied without you, but that was before you went so far away. Everything is distant in January. And these clouds make it hard for me to wake up. But then again,

I’m not sure I want to be awake for any of this anymore. 

These days you scare me. Sometimes, I’m afraid to even look at you.

Nights when your mind is clear, I can see all the wisdom hidden away behind your tired eyes. You’ve seen times that nobody else has. Your stories pull me in, closer and closer to your heart.

Ninety years really does look good on you.

Be safe flying home now.

since the last time we talked. And although I’m walking, shamefully, towards you now, I ask you not to shut me out.

I miss you constantly, every day. And because we’ve been so far apart from one another, I feel like I can’t talk to you like I did before. I’m not sure what happened between us. You used to hold my heart so tightly.

Sometimes at night, I can’t even feel your hands anymore.

I am exhuasted. I am tired.

Tired of always being the one who loves more. I am confused, and I am bitter. Will I ever learn how to love the right way, and protect my heart at the same time? I am angry, and I am sad.

Rain. I just want to hear you outside my window tonight.

Rain,

you have no idea how much I need you.